Wallflowerjealousy's Weblog

just leave me lying here.

wallflowerjealousy — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 02:24:28 +0000

I can’t take this anymore. I’ve been screwed over too many times. I hide my feelings behind a mask of smiles and laughter… it only come natural that way. I don’t ENJOY telling people my problems. I like complaining don’t get me wrong… but I just can’t let them in. I won’t tell them details in order to save myself the humiliation. I just wish there were someone I could tell everything to… every little detail laced with filth and sin. I want to be able to relive every touch, every gasp, every smile, every break, every tear without actions. I want someone who has experienced it all and won’t judge me. I am so depressed. I want to pack a bag, hop a train, and never come back. Just go. Just go and forget the way he used to look at me. Too bad its not that easy. Only time can fade away my memories pictures of green and gold orbs staring into my, then, light hearted soul. I don’t know why I let go. I don’t know why he left. I don’t know why I’m just never good enough. But I do know this, he wont keep me down forever.

I can’t seem to slow down

wallflowerjealousy — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 11:19:59 +0000

I never thought I could ever feel this out of control.

I used to feel invincible… unconquerable.

I thought I would always be able to change what I didn’t like.

I thought it would take forever to grow up.

And no matter what happened, my brother would always be by myside.

Now, 17 years later, 20 for him, hes getting married. I am no longer needed as the partner in crime.. the other musketeer.. the right hand man. The play mate. Even before now, sometimes I would catch glimpses of my childhood hero. Standing there grinning or running around…

I dont ever see him anymore.

I just need a fresh breath of air…

wallflowerjealousy — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 00:55:21 +0000

I need someone who makes me feel new

and free

and blessed

and clean.

I want to feel like no matter happens… no matter what I encounter… no matter where I go, or how deep I am in… there will be someone by my side.

Always willing to save me. Help me. Love me.

I need to get away.

I need to travel as far as I can for as long as I can go. I want to forget these faces. All these faces. They know too much to make me guilty.. but not enough to show my innocence. They are the scratch on the record to make all these old problems just keep replaying and haunting my thoughts.

I want to go to a place where new faces are welcoming and refreshing like the waves of the deep clean ocean or new rays of light hinting towards a new day.

I want to run. and run. and run until I just cant go any further. I want to find a place where I can just… rewind.

Oh boy. Here we go again.

wallflowerjealousy — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 11:52:45 +0000

I’ve been hanging out with this guy lately. We were sort of friends last year… but I began to think we was a womanizer so I stopped talking to him. All together. Not even a word, I was so angry that I almost let myself get into that sort of situtation. As of a few weeks ago, we decided to start hanging out again. Everything went smoothly and he seemed like a really good guy. I don’t think I’ve had that much fun with anyone else. One day he came over and we ended up kissing. A lot. That set up a domino effect of less friendship and more into a friends with benefits. I am so attached to him. I love when he’s around, I love cuddling with him, I love the way he smells, I actually enjoy his cockiness. We hung out the other day and after about an hour of greedy kissing and wondering hands, I asked him if this was ever going to go anywhere or if he only came over to make out. Like a typical guy, he avoided the question with “We don’t only make out”. So I just left it alone but refused to touch him or be touched by him. I felt like a huge rock was put in my stomach. I knew what I was getting myself into… I just expected at least a lie. Anything that I could hold on to and be happy for just a few weeks longer. A few minutes later he says “I’m just not looking for anything too serious”. I just about puked. I couldn’t understand. Why can’t I ever be adored by someone as much as I adore them… is that too much to ask? Then he walked with me to my car and kept kissing me like he really cared about me… but I know he doesn’t. I cant seem to just cut him out of my life… even though I know its going to hurt so much worse when he finally cuts me out of his.

I just cant stress enough…

wallflowerjealousy — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 06:12:03 +0000

So summer came to an end. School began. Same as usual. Laugh or sleep through all of my classes… acting out a display of personality to get attention or just be known. A zombie. Acting out of nature. I hate how most people are. I hate the way some of us think. I hate how we are almost all alike. I cant trust them. They are watered down. They are fake. They are cold. Girls that are not afraid to fight or fuck and guys that take what they can get a lie themselves to sleep.

There are few people I can trust in this world. Only two that I consider my true, trustworthy, ever living friends. Thats “Girl” and my mother of which I can only trust with serious things. When it comes to regular, embarrassing matters, she’ll blab her heart out to either my brother or father.

He never touched me. Never even came close. Im a virgin. Thats all there is to it.

Summer is coming to a close, Im just not ready to let go

wallflowerjealousy — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 19:45:02 +0000

I’m awfully sorry that I havent written in such a long while. Summer had manipulated me into more social work and gave me less time to write. So I’ll attemp a catch up.

First off, I have not had a boyfriend since the last one I told you about. I meant to keep it that way. I have a huge crush on this guy at work. Which really sucks because being single is a fool proof way of not hurting anyone… including me.

Second I have a new job. I like it. Its nice.

I dance alot now a days. I will start danceing every night monday through thursday for this year in order to stay in shape and look graceful.

HA.

Tonight is a ghost hunt with some people from work and my best friend in the entire world, Girl. Yes, we are still friends and I, personally, am convinced we always will be. Forever.

Thank you, Lord.

My hair is long.

My nails are jagged.

My eyes arent closed but for some reason the beauty that used to seep in through my fleshy lids has become less vibrant than before. I am aching for that certain attraction once again.

Please.

Help me fall back into love.

Maybe my eyes are playing God

wallflowerjealousy — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 14:14:43 +0000

I cant help but be curious of certain people. Like… not so much as watching as studying. Just in random places. People Ill never see again. Its honestly not an obsession… just curious. Almost in strive to be. I have always admired that some people could look perfectly ordinary but when you get to having a conversation they become beautiful. And looking away as they speak almost hurts. My mother is like that. She is a beautiful women. But what she has to say almost makes the moon fall in my opinion. Im just glad I could grow up with that. Maybe it will rub off on me.

oh and Oliver. Yeah we’re together again.

Back to feeling guilty.

-Jane

I am alone. I am alone. I am not real.

wallflowerjealousy — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 04:31:24 +0000

I broke up with Oliver.

I did it so.. simply. At first I was so excited to be done and that he was alright… but then I saw him and thought “Hey he really doesnt act two.. he has a job, a car, pays for everything, and thinks.” Thats when it hit me. I couldnt handle this anymore! His hair… his bright eyes. Everything about him is so beautiful. I started crying. But I hid it and decided to talk to him. He made it too easy. It wasnt awkward. “did he even care?! Like at all?!” but the truth is that he did, but i didnt know that yet. So he just left my house… and I pretty much asked him to leave because he didnt say a damn word. And Im glad it happened… because now I know… its not meant to be. Or at least it might not be. I guess I’ll just have to find out.

I went to a book store today. There was a man with a plaid shirt. He was beautiful. And he smiled at me. He was beautiful. Looks like I might be getting back into my man loveing state.

Wish the virgin luck.

-Jane

I ended it

wallflowerjealousy — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 08:03:23 +0000

So I finally ended it.

Its for the better… and I hope he knows that.

I hung out with some friends from work today. I feel alot better about my job.. I am working less and writing more. I really do need to share my writings because well… this IS a blog and you deserve to read actual substance instead of me just complaining about my life.

I was driving home. It was dark. A car had been following me for at least five minutes.

Holy crap.

I started typing that “scary” story of my ride home… when my dog started barking at something downstairs. I am horrified. I am all alone in this house, my feet are numb.

sorrowful people and homesick blues

wallflowerjealousy — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 18:56:39 +0000

My family is leaving me today.

I hate this

I hate this.

Being alone is my complete fear. Not so much the state of being alone… but more of the concept.

I mean… if I’m alone so many horrible things could go wrong. I could forget about my dog. I could leave the heater on in this extreme weather. I could forget to lock the door. And worst… I could come home after work and no one here who really honestly cares about me. I mean theres Oliver. But talking to a two year old really doesnt help me get my thought into words and my words into emotion. It makes me bland. Like old cereal. Theres Spice. But she is out of town.

I dont know anymore.

I am going to run away.

On a train.