I can’t take this anymore. I’ve been screwed over too many times. I hide my feelings behind a mask of smiles and laughter… it only come natural that way. I don’t ENJOY telling people my problems. I like complaining don’t get me wrong… but I just can’t let them in. I won’t tell them details in order to save myself the humiliation. I just wish there were someone I could tell everything to… every little detail laced with filth and sin. I want to be able to relive every touch, every gasp, every smile, every break, every tear without actions. I want someone who has experienced it all and won’t judge me. I am so depressed. I want to pack a bag, hop a train, and never come back. Just go. Just go and forget the way he used to look at me. Too bad its not that easy. Only time can fade away my memories pictures of green and gold orbs staring into my, then, light hearted soul. I don’t know why I let go. I don’t know why he left. I don’t know why I’m just never good enough. But I do know this, he wont keep me down forever.
I can’t seem to slow down
I never thought I could ever feel this out of control.
I used to feel invincible… unconquerable.
I thought I would always be able to change what I didn’t like.
I thought it would take forever to grow up.
And no matter what happened, my brother would always be by myside.
Now, 17 years later, 20 for him, hes getting married. I am no longer needed as the partner in crime.. the other musketeer.. the right hand man. The play mate. Even before now, sometimes I would catch glimpses of my childhood hero. Standing there grinning or running around…
I dont ever see him anymore.
I just need a fresh breath of air…
I need someone who makes me feel new
and free
and blessed
and clean.
I want to feel like no matter happens… no matter what I encounter… no matter where I go, or how deep I am in… there will be someone by my side.
Always willing to save me. Help me. Love me.
I need to get away.
I need to travel as far as I can for as long as I can go. I want to forget these faces. All these faces. They know too much to make me guilty.. but not enough to show my innocence. They are the scratch on the record to make all these old problems just keep replaying and haunting my thoughts.
I want to go to a place where new faces are welcoming and refreshing like the waves of the deep clean ocean or new rays of light hinting towards a new day.
I want to run. and run. and run until I just cant go any further. I want to find a place where I can just… rewind.
Oh boy. Here we go again.
I’ve been hanging out with this guy lately. We were sort of friends last year… but I began to think we was a womanizer so I stopped talking to him. All together. Not even a word, I was so angry that I almost let myself get into that sort of situtation. As of a few weeks ago, we decided to start hanging out again. Everything went smoothly and he seemed like a really good guy. I don’t think I’ve had that much fun with anyone else. One day he came over and we ended up kissing. A lot. That set up a domino effect of less friendship and more into a friends with benefits. I am so attached to him. I love when he’s around, I love cuddling with him, I love the way he smells, I actually enjoy his cockiness. We hung out the other day and after about an hour of greedy kissing and wondering hands, I asked him if this was ever going to go anywhere or if he only came over to make out. Like a typical guy, he avoided the question with “We don’t only make out”. So I just left it alone but refused to touch him or be touched by him. I felt like a huge rock was put in my stomach. I knew what I was getting myself into… I just expected at least a lie. Anything that I could hold on to and be happy for just a few weeks longer. A few minutes later he says “I’m just not looking for anything too serious”. I just about puked. I couldn’t understand. Why can’t I ever be adored by someone as much as I adore them… is that too much to ask? Then he walked with me to my car and kept kissing me like he really cared about me… but I know he doesn’t. I cant seem to just cut him out of my life… even though I know its going to hurt so much worse when he finally cuts me out of his.
