I am alone. I am alone. I am not real.

I broke up with Oliver.

 

I did it so.. simply. At first I was so excited to be done and that he was alright… but then I saw him and thought “Hey he really doesnt act two.. he has a job, a car, pays for everything, and thinks.” Thats when it hit me. I couldnt handle this anymore! His hair… his bright eyes. Everything about him is so beautiful. I started crying. But I hid it and decided to talk to him. He made it too easy. It wasnt awkward. “did he even care?! Like at all?!” but the truth is that he did, but i didnt know that yet. So he just left my house… and I pretty much asked him to leave because he didnt say a damn word. And Im glad it happened… because now I know… its not meant to be. Or at least it might not be. I guess I’ll just have to find out.

 

  I went to a book store today. There was a man with a plaid shirt. He was beautiful. And he smiled at me. He was beautiful. Looks like I might be getting back into my man loveing state.

 

Wish the virgin luck.

 

                                                                 -Jane

I ended it

So I finally ended it.

 

Its for the better… and I hope he knows that.

I hung out with some friends from work today. I feel alot better about my job.. I am working less and writing more. I really do need to share my writings because well… this IS a blog and you deserve to read actual substance instead of me just complaining about my life.

 

I was driving home. It was dark. A car had been following me for at least five minutes.

 

 

Holy crap.

 

I started typing that “scary” story of my ride home… when my dog started barking at something downstairs. I am horrified. I am all alone in this house, my feet are numb.

sorrowful people and homesick blues

My family is leaving me today.

 

I hate this

I hate this

I hate this.

 

Being alone is my complete fear. Not so much the state of being alone… but more of the concept.

I mean… if I’m alone so many horrible things could go wrong. I could forget about my dog. I could leave the heater on in this extreme weather. I could forget to lock the door. And worst… I could come home after work and no one here who really honestly cares about me. I mean theres Oliver. But talking to a two year old really doesnt help me get my thought into words and my words into emotion. It makes me bland. Like old cereal. Theres Spice. But she is out of town.

 

I dont know anymore.

 

I am going to run away.

 

On a train.

to the point of self forget

Im not too sure how much longer I can live the way I have been. It has been way too long since my last blog and my apologies are completely whole hearted.

 

Alright.

 

So Spice and I are still best best friends, thank God. But I have started dating a new guy, Oliver. Oliver is sweet and showers me with undeserving attention and gifts.

 

I like him. I do. But I absolutely hate having a boyfriend who is just so… I dont know unrealistic. Like we have been dating 2 weeks and he is already saying he loves me. That we are going to grow old and rusty together. For the Love of God man. Get your shit straight! I mean? Am I in the wrong here?

 

Also, I have been working my butt off at a resturant. I cant help feeling like shit when I work to the point of exhaustion while making 4.50 an hour. I have no time to write or reflect or anything for that matter. I am almost an entire new person who the old me despises with a burning passion. Like, I love working. I honestly love having a job. But this is not my calling. I am applying everywhere I go. Also, Oliver doesnt help. I cant just sit here and wait until some godmother comes along and saves me. For the first time of my life, Im on my own on this one.